And I, I will love you

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 05:05:18 GMT

Okay I'm making a new lj, so make sure to see if I added you.

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 02:37:32 GMT

Are you always trying to make me feel worthless like I shouldn't be living? I know I'm worthless and I know that I'm not that smart. I know that nobody cares about me anymore. But do you always have to make me feel like I should die? You made me get all dressed and ready to go just to tell me that I'm no good. Thanks really. I love your support.

I wish I could die. I am ugly. Nobody cares about me. I'm a burden. I can't do anything right. I'm a waste of space. Why am I here? I don't understtand it. I ask for help and I don't get an answer.

I Want To See You Go Down--On One Knee

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 01:03:41 GMT

All I can think about is how much I want to marry you.

But It Was You I Was Thinking Of

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 03:57:13 GMT

I never thought it would seriously be this hard. I feel sometimes like the relationship isn't going to work out... all this space and not hearing a word from anyone. I dunno, I carry my cell phone with me everywhere just hoping he's going to call me... granted it's only been 2 weeks. I'm going to stay with him no matter what, it's just if I were to see him I couldn't tell him I loved him. I dunno why, but I do want to be with him always.

I'm going to prove all the people wrong who tell me it's not going to last. I just love doing that. Right now I keep doubting everything... I'm afraid he is going to leave me and find somebody who is way better than me and who's perfect for him. That makes me want to cry but I'm so worried about that. People do change, I don't want him to change.

I'm Selfish As Selfish Comes

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 16:52:01 GMT

Yesterday I painted my whole room... all I need to do is fix some of the areas where the paint came off and then I'm going to move my room around.

I found out recently that one of my friend's isn't a virgin anymore and for some reason I don't like that. I feel like I'm being overprotective of her, I started talking to my mom about that, I told my mom I was being a little hypocritical but I just can't believe she would do that. She's a really smart person, and this guy may just ruin her life. Maybe I just don't give guys enough credit. There's some other relationships with friends of mine and I'm perfectly fine with who they're with because I know the guys'll treat my friends fine.

Is it me, or are a lot of people getting married early? I'll prolly join them. I asked my mom what she would do if I married early and she told me she'd tell me to think about it. I don't care. I love him, too bad I haven't heard ANYTHING from him...uhm ugh.

But You, Turn Me Toward The Light

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 15:16:48 GMT

I'm such a nerd instead of playing my iTunes, I'm going around to people's myspaces and if they have good songs I listen to them... like Michelle's, I like her song.

I swear I use WAY too many commas. I had a dream that I hooked back up with this one guy that I dated... but he had a pregnant girlfriend and I really didn't want to be with him. Then Jordan appeared later and life was perfect, I had my arm intertwined with his arm and we were walking around smiling. I miss walking around with him and laughing. Damnit. I'm a SAP. I can't believe how stupid I am.

Yesterday I started prepping my room to paint it. Oh man wasn't that just a joy? My room is going to be a tannish-brown color on two walls, and the other two walls are a LIGHT neutral pink color. I have 4 days off to paint it.

Last thing... and it would be nice if I could get answers. Granted I'm sort of different from the average girls because I won't lets guys get anything, like sex or whatever the hell they want (it took Jordan a LONG time)... but there's this guy I work with and lately he's constantly asking me if I want to go to lunch with him or last night he asked me if I wanted to get ice cream after work but I told him I was leaving at 6 and gonna start prepping my room up. I told my mom about him and she told me he's trying go after me now that's Jordan's after me, is that true?

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 15:39:44 GMT

I'm gonna go puke. I feel so ugh. I should prolly eat considering the last time I ate was 2 pm yesterday. I went to sleep with a headache and woke up with a headache. I need to find something to take. Maybe I'll eat an apple.

I had another dream with him in it and he was going to propose to me but he got this cheesy small ring. I can't even type. baahhhh.

Coz I'm In Love With You

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 14:04:56 GMT

I had another dream about him. This time he came home and surprised me. He hugged me so much and kissed me. The other dreams have been him being home or him calling me. I can't seem to sleep anymore... I hate this. I want to go back to sleep. I'll take Nyquil one day but that stuff doesn't do anything for me.

I'm Doin' Fine, I Plan To Keep It That Way

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 03:53:46 GMT

I left school with a smile on my face, I never go anywhere by myself with a giant SMILE on face. Fucking good day man. I love Miss Michelle Marie Rothwall. I'm totally going to marry her somehow... haha. Whatever.

Okay so Sunday and yesterday I went to lunch with this guy named Walter who I work with, well apparently because we're going out to lunch people are starting rumors saying I'm cheating on Jordan. I would NEVER cheat on Jordan with a guy who probably has every possible STD known to man. That's just DISGUSTING. But then today Walter was like, "Hey, come to lunch with me!" Ehh, this needs to stop. Starting now. Okay, it's official, no more lunches with Walter.

Dude people need to CALL me. I get bored. I need people to talk TO so CALL ME and talk about anything! :) (360) 624-6156. Do it. Starting TOMORROW. My last final is tomorrow and that'll be HELLA easy (no I don't really say "hella" in real life).

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 05:24:06 GMT

So I think I'm going CRAZYYY! I was making flashcards for my medical vocabulary final and I started dancing around when I couldn't find the word. Oh BLAH. My head is killing me, my mom said it's due to stress. GOOD FREAKING NIGHT (oh and I love you).

I miss him... I keep looking outside sometimes and think he'll be there.

I Will Stay Forever Here I'll Wait For Your Love

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 02:22:49 GMT

So I just need to take a fucking chill pill. He's not going to leave me. And I'm not going to get pregnant. Oh I'm way too paranoid. It's going to ruin everything one day.

It's funny, I'm hearing wonderful things about my boyfriend from the guys at work. It's just weird. They told me they asked him what he would do if 3 playmates were laying on a bed and calling his name, he told them he would run. A guy that I worked with was like, "He would never cheat on you."

Work went by VERY fast.

I miss him a LOT. Maybe I should go back to writing on index cards to him. Too bad I still don't know his address. ANYWAYS. Only 3 more days of the quarter LEFT!!

Please Don't Let My Dreams Run Dry

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 05:03:01 GMT

So I'm going to kill this fucktard in my group because he's stupid and ruining our WHOLE project. Why bother to get together 3 days before our 20 minute presentation is due? Fucker. You're going to die. I think he made this one girl in my group cry. Uh hello, get this through your head, nobody likes you, so just DIE.

Today was an okay day, I suppose. My back is killing me. Oh so the other day my mom came into my room and she was like, "Why do you have pregnancy tests? Do you think you're pregnant? Did you stop taking your pills?"...and then I said, "NO. Don't worry about it."

When I was driving home today, I was thinking about this time after I found out that I got a C- in math and told my mom so she started lecturing me. I was close to crying, so Jordan took me home to get my stuff so I could stay the night at his house. When we were driving to my house he went REALLY fast down this one road and I almost cried because I was already depressed but he was pissed off at my mom. So then he tried to drive me to Kalin's house so I could have "a friend to talk to" but he passed her house, so we drove around Battle Ground and Yacolt. I dunno what the point was of that story. Haaa.

You might as well not read this, it'll only make you gag...

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 04:19:10 GMT

I miss him so much. I love him so much. My last few days with him were just amazing, even though we didn't even do that much. I went over to his house on Thursday and I'm trying to think of what I did, I know I laid in his bed a lot and watched him play videogames. I came over to his house almost crying that day and just being around him cheered me up. That night we watched the WSU game and wrestled like idiots. Can't even remember that much of Friday either. We went and saw Ghost Rider and then went to Walmart around 9:30 or so. Hung out there for an hour and a half. Then he made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. On Saturday he really wanted to go paintballing but there wasn't anybody there, I felt so terrible! So went back to his house and he washed his truck and for some reason that made happy. When he was taking me home, I almost cried because I wanted to be with him and I knew my days were running out. I came back later that night, and we watched Miami Vice, then his dad made me eat a pizza because he doesn't think I eat anything. Then we cuddled that night hmmmmmm. Sunday mostly consisted of watching him play videogames. Then at night was his going away party. I talked to his best friend and grandma. Yup. Then I pretty much teared up and cried on my way home.

Today though, I went and watched him swear in. If only I could explain everything. I love him. I love cuddling with him.

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:36:58 GMT

Right now I want to die. If it didn't hurt to cut myself or to anything deadly to myself, I would do it. I give up. I'm going to fail out of college. I'm ruining my own fucking relationship. I suck at work. I just don't care anymore. I'm blaming Jordan when he hasn't done anything wrong. I want to punch my computer. I can't type my fucking paper. I have a gigantic zit on my face. I feel and look fat. My life just needs to end RIGHT NOW. There's seriously nothing for me to look forward to. All I do is sit in my room when I'm not working, oh but wait I'm never HOME. I'm either working or at school. I don't have time for myself. I'm selfish. I'm worthless.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 02:14:27 GMT

I didn't get into the Pharmacy Tech program.
I feel so stupid.

Everything is my fault. I wish I could just die or get hurt badly.

But It's The Wrongs That Make The Words Come To Life.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 01:22:53 GMT

This weekend in all wasn't so bad. Friday was a whatever day at work, as usual. I really do hate working there. Anyways. Jordan came to my house, met Pete and Jaci and all the little people. All they did was talk and we were like ehhh whatever, and then went to bed. On Saturday we bummed around until 12 or so and then we went to the mall and I bought a pair of pants that were actually on sale, I'm damn proud of that. Came home around 4 and I really don't remember what we did from 4 until 7. But at 7, we went to see Norbit (and btw Crystal was with us from the mall to the movies), but dude I was just checking my bank account and they charged me twice!! Ugh.

Then we went to Fred Meyers coz I need to get some nasty stuff. Came home around 9:30 or so. Jordan made all of us... spagetti (I CAN'T SPELL IT SORRY!!!) and it was pretty tasty. Crystal pissed me off coz she was like "I don't like spagetti with sauce on it.", oh BITE ME. My brother seemed like to like it, along with Lukas. I went to bed stuffed and happy. I'm lucky I got me a guy that can COOK!

Sunday, Dennis made a big breakfast but Lukas and Crystal were stupid because they didn't get up when Pryce AND Taylor told them there was breakfast... so they missed out on that. Jordan and I went to Fred Meyers again to get the correct stuff that I was supposed to get, and then I got 2 books (Zodiac, and Christine by Stephen King), chips, and razors. He got chips and a Snickers bar. We came home and he looked pretty tired so I told him he should sleep, so we laid in my bed and I read Zodiac (pretty interesting book, even though I'm on Chapter 3) and then we fell asleep for a half hour or so. Then we took the kids (as in Pryce, Taylor, Crystal, and Lukas) all to Red Robin. They treated us like crap there, they forgot about us and never gave us boxes...wetwetwgfaegaidiotskakwjtwlkejt. Then we went to Hollywood Video and rented Spider Man 2 and Saw 3.

When we were watching Saw 3, I felt like I loved him more than I ever have. We mostly watched the movie, but every once in a while I would ask him stupid questions, or told him I didn't want my relationship to be like this one girl's relationship that I work with, I don't want to be stuck at home while he's out doing whatever, he told me he wouldn't do that and kissed me. It was just that whole night that I felt closer to him and all we were doing was laying on the couch watching a gory movie. Go figure. But I love him so much and he's leaving in two weeks. Okay now I'm getting teary eyed. Back to reading my book. Nobody cares about my love life anyways.

And I'm Hopin Baby You Don't Mind

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 15:29:45 GMT

Yesterday while I was on lunch eating my dum-dums (oh gosh I love saying that word!), Jordan and Walter came up which kind made me feel surrounded. Anyways... Walter told me some guy came back to Rental to tell them he thought I was really hot. Now isn't that just GRAND. I don't care. I haven't given Jordan his scrapbook. This one chick got a bunch of flowers so I had her take one to Jordan and he kept it! He was funny when he was walking out because he was hiding the rose. What a loser.

My body is shaking... I take it that means I need food. I'm getting fatter. Ew.

I Tried To Be Perfect, Tried To Be Honest

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 19:30:44 GMT

All I ever do is fail my tests even if I do study! GRR! I hate school sometimes, all I want to do is just drop out but I won't.

So today's Valentine's Day... yay. Not. I started making Jordan a scrapbook but I'm afraid to give it to him and I still haven't finished it all the way... I've done 7 or 8 pages. Today just isn't going to be a good day.

I'm watching Engaged and Underage. AHH. The people are talking about a shower, sex, and sleep. That just sounds like a great night. They're living in a trailer on the guy's parents property... oh gosh I hope that's not going to be me. Yea... you can just shoot me if that happens. Ohh up next... another episode of Engaged and Underage. This couple is 20 and 21, I don't think that is too young.

So I think it's funny, at work and just anywhere that I'm at people say that Jordan and I are going to be the couple that is together forever. Cute, and I hope it comes true. We don't really fight so yea. Anyways... pointless entry.

Whoa-Oh Oh, We're So Miserable And Stunning

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 04:20:52 GMT

I don't mean for my entries to be so depressing... but I just need to vent. Oh but I can't find my cell phone. Great.

So one good thing about today/this week... Fall Out Boy's new cd came out today, but of course I do not have ANY money to spend.

My life is a wreck. I cried at work again because I suck and I'm just a baby. I went on break to play around with my cell phone to find out that I had 3 voicemails and 4 missed calls.. I found out that my stepmom is currently in the hospital because she had an asthma attack. Pretty much, nobody called me until today when it happened on Sunday.

I have no money, and everything happens in February... or at least just this week and next. Me and Jordan's 5 month anniversary is on Friday, so I figured we could go to the Cheesecake Factory on Saturday and I'd pay... but I only have $70 which is supposed to last me until next Friday. Then this chick is planning a going away party for Jordan on Sunday and wants me to pay for half the stuff. My grandma's birthday is Monday. Then Valentine's Day is Wednesday. I need to just die. Then I still owe soooooo much money to the parents, oh and apparently I owe money on my taxes...wtf.

School and such always kills me.

I want to cuddle with anybody but I doubt my friends would cuddle with me... well, I could prolly get Michelle into bed with me because she's easy to bribe with. I feel like such a burden to everybody. I feel like I'm a burden to Jordan. I feel like a burden to my family. I feel like a burden to my friends. I want to die. I need no sympathy.

We’ll Find A Brand New Way, You’ve Seen Enough To Do Better

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 05:49:39 GMT

Yesterday I wasn't having a good day, so when I went into the work, I really didn't feel like talking to everybody. Everybody (okay so maybe like 7 people) asked me what was wrong. I kept telling everybody nothing was wrong because in some truth it was true, I just wanted to be left alone. Jordan kept coming up asking what was wrong, or randomly calling me asking me, each time I hung up. My PIC let me leave 30 minutes early because we were pretty dead, when I got out to my car there was a rose under my windshield wipers. When I got home I took a shower and then about 5 minutes after I came out Jordan came over with another rose. I was shocked. He told me the first rose was for the day before and the other rose was for yesterday. Damn, he's way too nice.

This morning Jordan went to school with me...well, I went to class and he went to Fred Meyer's and bought stuff. Then he drove me to a park in downtown Vancouver, it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL... of course it was cold so we didn't stay very long. I want to go there again, hopefully before he leaves.

I can't wait for TOMORROW! After school tomorrow, I'm going to go to Kalin's and we're gonna go shopping and watch movies. Hopefully, do some scrapbooking too. I'm psyched. I love spending time with friends.

You're My Everything You Make Me Feel So Alive

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 02:56:17 GMT

Okay so my entries are starting to sound bi-polar. Whatever. I hate writing papers about my emotions that I have little or no control over. Apparently, a lot of people say when I get frustrated I close myself off from the world and won't let anybody in, and then I get really depressed (that's what my assistant manager said). This only has to be a one page paper, but of course I haven't even written it yet and it's due tomorrow. Not so bad, but what is bad is a test I haven't even studied and here I am procrastinating, and writing run-on sentences.

Last night was somewhat amusing. I watched Jordan help Walter move from Kati's duplex. I made fun of them, telling them they would make a great couple, or they were hot together. When we were going to Walter's sister's apartment, Walter had me ride in the car with his mother, so we had a rather good chat, she was really friendly. Just the whole time with them was great. Walter's mom thinks I'm really nice and sweet...HAHA, if only she knew me better. Then I went to Jordan's house and we started watching The Illusionist. Ahh... how I love cuddling. He was kissing me and then he told me he was glad that I came over. I hope I marry him (I know that's young and naive to say). We're way too alike, it's weird. But I feel so bad for him sometimes, I hate going to his house because it makes me feel like a freeloader coz I eat all the time there (mostly because he forces me to eat). His dad is currently unemployed and is having a hard time finding a job...and his brother is just whatever, he spends his money a little too much (and he makes 30 grand a year). I'll love him no matter what.

My insurance went up to $200. Pretty much the reason I started crying. My mom just has this way of always making me feel worthless and everything is ALWAYS my fault. I guess it generally alway is...

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 19:56:39 GMT

Right now I feel so paranoid. I think he's going to break up with me. Ugh. Or else I'm just bugging him.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

It's Hard To Say I Miss You

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 01:58:55 GMT

All I wanted to do was be with him. Being to able touch his body and feel its warmth. Being with him makes me feel loved and not feel as worthless as I feel most days. Sometimes I feel myself starting to depend on him a little more than I should which I shouldn't be doing because that would cause me to be dependant on people. Today though felt weird because it just felt like the whole relationship felt like it was starting to evaporate... that worries me sometimes. So I told him we need some space, I don't think he believes me. I think we're together a little too much making it hard to find things to talk about and such. I love Josh Groban.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 23:29:28 GMT

Sometimes I think too much about a future that isn't going to happen.

There Are Arms To Hold You

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:02:05 GMT

Words are simply surprising sometimes, especially when you say something that you would never say but only to hear the same thing back (not the normal 3 words).

One week of only kissing, I'm a cheater.

School starts tomorrow and I'm going to be rather lost.

I feel like I'm a cloud.